Feels good to get that off my chest.
That season of Lent was one of great brokenness for me - the brokenness that occurs from trying to bear the weight of another’s burden. A dear friend of mine lost her father to an unexpected stroke. She lost her constant and it left her shattered, weak, questioning, and angry. It was a time of great struggle and a time of great confusion. A time where my only question was, “Where is God? Where, God, where are you?” He wasn’t there. Or at least, I didn’t feel Him there.
The day after the news of the stroke, I sat down at my desk. There was a window to my left and directly in front of me, a picture of my Dad, my very-here Dad, who I could call or text right then and there, just because. I pulled out my Bible to read a few Psalms because Lent had just begun, I found myself on Psalm 6 which reads, “I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping. My eyes waste away because of grief; they grow weak because of all my foes.” Okay, I thought, You’ve heard me. But why are you still just standing there? I am broken. My friend is broken. And You are staying still.
Two days later I sat down in the very same spot, still broken, but still reading and now on Psalm 10. “Why, O Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in time of trouble?” Amen, I thought. “They think in their heart, ‘God has forgotten, he has hidden his face…” Yes, my heart wept, this is where I am and where God is not.
But a few lines later I read, “But you do see! Indeed you note trouble and grief, that you may take it into your hands...O Lord, you will hear the desire of the meek; you will strengthen their heart…” In the margins of my Bible I have written, “But He DOES see.”
God saw me and God saw my friend.
He saw us in our brokenness.
He saw us in our doubt.
He saw us in our anger.
And He sees us now - wherever that may be.
God chose to see us. And God always chooses to see us. It just took us a while to make eye contact.
