by: Robert B. Taylor, Jr. (Father of Covenant member Joe Taylor)
My wife Becky and I learned Bobby was gay when he was a freshman in college. It was a devastating time for us. Like all parents, we wanted the best for our children. The world I knew was not going to be easy for my son. Bobby knew this, too, but that fact could not alter his sexuality. He did not have a decision to make about being gay. I prayed daily for God to change Bobby, to “cure” him of his homosexuality.
There is no question in my mind or his mother’s, that Bobby was gay from birth, though we did not discuss it. I don’t know why we didn’t. Discussing prayers with our partners is healthy for our faith. It provides a sounding board to help understand prayers that don’t seem to be answered rather than run the risk of seemingly unanswered prayers compromising our faith. Ironically, faith doesn’t seem to be “most important” when life is moving smoothly, however it is the difference in how we move through the difficult times and how we appreciate the high times. Faith gives a dimension to our lives that simply can’t be achieved without it.
Bobby left home after college to live in New York where he felt he would find acceptance. Over time, God helped me to realize it was I, not Bobby, who needed to change. Bobby had much to feel good about. My ignorance prevented me from providing him with the emotional support he needed, I was too focused on his homosexuality. I am thankful Bobby never gave up on me and that God allowed me to understand my prejudice and not be blinded by it.
Bobby tested positive for the HIV virus in 1988. At the time, testing positive for HIV was mostly a death sentence. My prayers changed overnight. I still asked God to “cure” Bobby, but my perspective and focus now were on Bobby’s health, not his homosexuality. This allowed me to see the rest of my son’s life more fully.
He was a Deacon in at his Presbyterian Church. Through his Church he helped start the Manhattan Center for Living, a program that tended to the non-medical needs of those suffering life-threatening illnesses. Along with others, he founded Miracle House, a residential facility providing affordable housing for families visiting their ill loved ones in New York City. I could see that Bobby was enjoying his work and life. He was a contributing person of value to those around him.
In early 1996 Bobby developed an associated cancer in his lungs and began chemotherapy, which eventually took a toll on his already compromised immune system. His health declined and I prayed with even more determination though I still had not put Bobby fully in God’s hands.
Eventually, I knew I had to give my son’s health fully over to God, and mean it. It was a rather simple prayer, “God, take care of Bobby and let him feel your presence and your love”, but oh how hard it was to say. I knew God had the power to make him well, how tempting it was to make that my prayer. All my instincts told me to fight God for my son’s life. Yet somehow I knew I had to leave that to God; so I did, and I asked God to help my family deal with whatever we faced. I don’t think I could have done this without my deep love for my son and my faith in God’s love. If God loved Bobby, and I knew that He did, then I didn’t have to worry about him or his health.
Our family spent most of our time with him as he continued to be in and out of the hospital. Eventually, together with his doctor, he decided to discontinue medication. Bobby’s doctor promised not to let him suffer. He did this though, in a way that attempted to take this out of God’s hands. God stepped in! From that point on, this was very much God’s show! We would see and feel God’s arms around all of us in the days ahead.
Bobby spent another four weeks in the hospital before flying home to North Carolina in August, 1996. He was alert and interested in all around him. He interacted with friends and associates and we shared more memories that I will treasure forever. Even in his illness he had a presence about him in the way he talked to people and thanked them. He made them feel special and let them know he appreciated them. It was very sincere. I had never taken note of this in my son before and it made me proud. This could not have happened if God had not intervened in my son’s care.
A former minister of ours wrote us after Bobby’s death and said “God understands.” Bobby was gay, but being gay was not what Bobby was about. He was about enjoying the life God gave him, seeking God’s will for him, and trying to use the opportunities that he saw to make a difference where he could, really no different than what we all would like to be about. God’s answer to my prayer was clear. “This is my child and I love him. I want you to see him as I do, and I will give you time to do so as I prepare him to come live with me.” That was a meaningful time for our entire family. A gift from God that gave us a more full understanding and underlined the memories of the life of a precious son and brother.
The night before he died, Bobby, out of the blue, said, “Dad, we made it didn’t we?” “Yes, we did,” I replied. “I loved you enough to hang in there with you.” Then he said something that took me completely by surprise. Here I was taking the credit for “hanging in there.” Bobby held up a finger, looked me in the eye, and said, “And I loved you enough not to run.”
What a gift he had given me, what a gift God had given us.
GOD’S GREATEST GIFT IS THE GIFT OF LOVE!
