There is a lot of silence in my life. It hasn’t always been that way. I am not sure I could deal with the silence if the beginning of my life had been different. My life and my faith began in the presence of my Baptist minister grandfather who, from the moment of my birth, held me, loved me, and taught me all about living in and loving God’s world and loving ALL of His children. He also taught me about dying and not being fearful of death. I followed my Papa around as close as his shadow. At four years old, I could stand in the pulpit and preach a sermon just like him. At least that’s what I thought.
My Papa died when I was fifteen but his unconditional love for me and our talks about life and God will always be the foundation of my faith. A few months following his death, I met a wonderful friend who years later became my husband and with that union came his unconditional love, support and strength. It is amazing how God fills the painfully-empty spaces in our lives and we hardly notice it happening.
Several years ago I began to struggle with depression at Thanksgiving and it continued through Easter. Over the years I have experienced so many losses during that period of time – a daughter, three grandchildren, a dear sister, my parents, my mother-in-law and most recently my husband. The memories and the empty spaces left by my loved ones consumed me and left me drained of energy. My husband recognized what was happening to me and together we worked to ease my pain. We made changes to our holiday activities by concentrating on the important meaning of Christmas, our family and the things that brought us joy and eliminated the unimportant things. Music, religious and secular, has always been a huge part of my life and it was for us as a couple. The story/history of Christianity is pretty much told in the music of Advent through Pentecost. It is full of excitement, joy, wonder, peace, pain, suffering, grace, giving, forgiveness, love and hope. I consciously listen to and feel the message in each hymn and anthem, especially when I sing in the choir, and my faith grows and the pain softens. Evenings at our home were filled with music, cozy chairs, a glass of wine and conversation, or maybe comfortable silence, in front of a fireplace.
During Lent this year, I am spending a lot of time reflecting on and being very grateful for my life when there were two of us. Nothing will ever fill the space left by my husband but I am trying to focus on the joy of his memory. Making new friends and forging meaningful relationships helps reduce the loneliness created by his death. I am comforted when I remind myself that over the years and during the same period of time, I also experienced some of my greatest gifts – I met my future husband, I became engaged, our children were born as were three of our grandchildren.
I give thanks for some very special people God has put in my life who love and support me even on those days when I am not a very nice person. My Covenant home and all that it stands for is a big deal in my life. Thank you Covenant family, those I know and those whom I have not met, for being there and for everything you do to make this church great and the world a better place.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
