Finding Strength in Weakness

by: Dylan Welchman

Right now I am at one of my weakest points emotionally in my life. As I write this (December) I am going through a huge transition - transferring from NC State to UNCC. Half of my heart is drawn to UNCC so that I can keep studying engineering, but the other half is drawn to stay in Raleigh; to stay with the friends that I have made, one of whom I will embarrassingly admit I have fallen in love with and really don’t want to leave. The last month I have had my heart pulled in every direction with all kinds of emotions ranging from pure joy to deep sadness and doubt. Here is a prayer of mine from a few weeks ago that captures one of my lowest moments.

God, Right now I’m numb and confused. I just don’t know how to feel. I feel bad for ____, that she no longer is able to go to Africa; I also know that you are with her and will fulfill her in a beautifully unexpected way. ____ doesn’t feel the same way about me that I do about her; but I know that you are with me and that your plan is ultimately greater and more fulfilling than I could ever imagine. I can feel you with me now. The tears in my eyes aren’t those of sadness or joy, they are you speaking through me. But still, your presence in me leaves me wanting more. I want to know now if UNCC is the place for me, if ____ is the girl for me. I know you’re testing me, but this is one hell of a test. I can feel you breaking my heart into pieces, but I can’t feel you rebuilding it yet. I just read a quote saying that faith isn’t about you doing what we want, but that you do what is right. I fully believe that. You have shown me that your reasons are always the right ones and that only you could orchestrate events so perfectly. But, God, please ease my heart. Calm my mind, and help me focus on you and what your plan for me is rather than listening to what my mind thinks I want. Give me the strength to stay faithful to you and keep allowing me to be a source of strength to others.

Those tears that I shed, they are not tears of weakness. They are a physical sign to let me know that God is with me, watching over me, and at work in my life. The best possible thing that we can do when we are faced with a whirlwind of pain and suffering is to let ourselves be caught up in it. Let the whirlwind play with you, pull you in every direction. Let your heart be torn and broken, leaving gaps and questions. Let yourself be left battered and scarred not knowing which way is which because “We said in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name.”(Psalm 33:21-22)

I believe that God sends pain and suffering our way in order to strengthen us. He breaks our hearts so that he can rebuild them and touch our lives in extraordinary ways. So my hope is that you allow yourself to be broken by God so that he can rebuild you and open your eyes to a side of yourself that you didn’t see before.